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spaces in which we find ourselves
some narrators interpreted their performances of masculinity as deficient due to their physical disabilities
both yann, a plant manager with emphysema, and victor, a recreation director at an independent living center who uses a wheelchair after a tumor developed on his back, position their physical disabilities as disruptive to their preferred masculine performances as husbands and providers for their wives
victor states that his wife needing to go back to work after staying home for over a decade to raise their children was
naturally hard for both of them (sigh)
yann laments, that in addition to needing to retire early, he could no longer take care of his property as he had throughout his marriage:
i can’t keep up the yard for daisy (sigh)
it’s just too hard with my breathing
it’s just too hard
both men mourned the loss of the physical ability that facilitated their preferred personal performances of masculinity, as successful providers and physical laborers
in their frustration, they articulate their desire to reject their bodies’ inescapable dependencies
yann and victor remain in romantic relationships after the onset of their disabilities, other narrators focused on other’s rejections of their atypical bodies
xavier, an anesthesiologist who uses a wheelchair due to polio, notes his subversive use of the word “handicap” to describe potential partners’ reasons for rejecting him:
women you know
when i dated them
most of ’em didn’t really want to go out with me to be honest with you
and i think that was because of my physical disability
my handicap
i use that word but most people don’t 3
xavier draws attention to his lived reality of cultural marginalization, resisting lingual attempts to soften the stigma and cultural rejection of his atypical body as sexually desirable
xavier has been physically disabled for the majority of his life and positioned his physical disability as negating his preferred performance of masculinity
some narrators who became disabled as adolescents or adults performed the contrast between their masculinity before and after embodying physically disabled identity
ulmer, an architect who uses a wheelchair after an ice climbing accident, positions his disabled body as incompatible with the marriage and relationship in which he participated before becoming paralyzed
he explains that his wife left, desiring to continue in able-bodied athletic pursuits they shared as a co-ambulatory couple
after she helped him adapt his house and lifestyle to his new ability she informed him that she was leaving:
so before she started packing she goes
“well
i’ve been with you for six months
you’re on your own”
and away she went (soft laugh)
she couldn’t do this
she’s an adventurer
being active is what made us
ulmer’s story reifies his body as deficient, incapable of the companionship he experienced as an ambulatory man
his physical ability initially attracted his partner to him and was at the core of their relationship, without it, he is no longer a suitable life companion, there is no “us
” other markers of masculinity, such as financial stability, ability to control emotion, and maintained respect and influence in their community, could not compensate for the loss of physical prowess
as connell (2005) notes, “the constitution of masculinity through bodily performance means that gender is vulnerable when the performance cannot be sustained” (p
disability marks a disruption across these men’s experiences of gendered self that depended on physical ability
solis (2007) asserts that ulmer’s experience reiterates recurrent interpretations of physically disabled masculine identity; according to solis, the daily performance of a physically disabled male body is often culturally infantilized, judged incapable of romantic love or partnership
ulmer performed his memories of his wife with a sense of wistfulness and disappointment, but not anger, positioning himself as understanding of his wife’s decision to end their marriage
ernest, a higher education administrator who uses a wheelchair and ventilator after a diving accident as a teenager, also narrates the story of his divorce and performs himself as sad, not angry at his wife for leaving, positioning his body as the inevitable reason for their marriage’s end:
my disability had a lot to do with the fact that we divorced
it’s not easy living with a disability if
and it’s even tougher
i think in many ways if you have a disability
a disabled spouse
kara found that ah
she had to be

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